After being in the singles league for the last year, my eyes opened to a sudden realization.


I had to make sure I highlight it since it’s something a lot of people don’t understand. As a woman who hasn’t been single for long before, I can definitely admit that it’s a phase of my life I never thought I’d hit. I was not ready for it.

I’m not saying that I’m a nice catch but for reasons unknown, I have never been single longer than a week or two since I started getting into the dating scene when I was thirteen. Yes, I started in the game waaay early. I was always with someone after I left the last.

Yes, I said left, not break up. I have never officially broken up with all the guys I’ve been with. I just sorta left and moved on. I didn’t really thought of the consequences or even took into consideration what the guy felt when I just up and disappeared on him. Recently, I had a guy do that to me. I’m still sore from him. Like fo real.

Its karma and I can’t even do anything about it.

I do deserve it, I admit it. I was never a good girl a lot of people thought of me. Of course, that’s another story for another day.

I broke up with my longtime boyfriend last year late august. Long story short he was an ass. I’d tell you more about him, he deserves his own posts at least.

When we broke up I didn’t really feel that we were actually split. We had a son together and we met from time to time due to him. It’s complicated.

Dirty little secret time: I started getting chummy with a coworker (who works overseas, fyi) after I broke up with my boyfriend. This coworker is someone I just met through the job I do, we started getting friendly when he thought me how to do some neat stuff at work. We started talking out of work and let’s say it escalated to the point that he started talking about plans to move to where I was so we’d be together.

That didn’t work out though. By January he stopped communicating with me all friendly like and went back to being business-y. He was the one who left me in the dirt wondering what I ever did to actually get the cold treatment. I told you its karma. I’d tell you more once I’m all settled in.

I couldn’t really consider that as a serious relationship, I mean, from the looks of it he kinda just used me to get work delegated to me so he can do some other stuff at work. He thought that buttering me up would increase the chances of me saying, yes. He didn’t know that I was pathetic when he met me so I understand if he thought that I need a little wooing to accept work, when in reality, I would have taken work from him in a heartbeat just cause I loved my job.

That’s the hard part of being single. Trial and error. I never truly understood how the single life worked until I got a taste of it. Some people claimed singlehood as empowering and suffice, while some are so desperate to get out of it resorting to cheap tactics like boob shots and dick pics.

I started hanging out with some of my coworkers who are single since I started being in the club. My two (make that three, never forget about Grace) besties are all in a very happy, contented, relationship. Like I was until I woke up from the nightmare.

The single ladies I hanged out with are different variations of singles. Maybe cause its due to the fact that they have been single a lot longer than I am and they have different unique personalities.

A year and a few months single – She’s outgoing, loud, loves travel, funny, a little crazy, and boyish. I don’t know why she’s single but I noticed that she’s the kind of woman who doesn’t settle for anything less than what she wants.

Three years – She’s a sociable, one of the boys, semi-traveler, a little crazy, elitist, and a tad bit desperate. I kinda know why she’s single. I’ve been with her since she was single. Since she mentioned that she just broke up with her guy when we started working together. She has a few guys around her but no one seem to stick. She’s a little high maintenance and, well, hmmm, a tad too desperate at the same time.

Seven years – and I hope I don’t reach this long. She’s a little bit of a basket case, naïve, innocent for a thirty year old, and a little sweet. She’s a little too naïve and air-headed. I’ve told her this many times-not joking-and she brushes me off like I’m making a funny. Girl, I am not making a funny.

It’s always hard putting yourself back in the game, especially, if your past relationships left you black and blue. I’ve been having a hard time trusting someone again and if I did, I’m afraid that I might be giving too much away and I don’t have any mystery left in me. I don’t think I’m ready but I can’t help feel lonely from time to time.

I should sound like an expert since I did date around but I am not. I am more of a lost puppy in this doggy-dog world, lol!

I don’t feel elated. I don’t feel empowered. I don’t feel any of those stupid posts you see on the internet on how people can just get over a dumb relationship. I just don’t. If I would be completely honest, if no one opened my eyes to the abuse that I have been into, I would have just sucked it up. I could have fooled myself into being happy rather than being alone on days I couldn’t.

But being in that relationship was a lot worse compared to being alone. I realized that too. There were moments that it was bearable but I have to make sure that I would come out okay at the end of it. It was always a struggle to know if I would be fine or not. Being alone, well, it’s more of mental struggle. I just have to keep telling myself that I am a woman who deserves more than I think I do. I tend to put myself down so much that I just seem to settle. I should really stop that though. No man is worth the trouble if they don’t make an effort. I’m trying to stick to that mind set as I go through this phase of my life.

Sides, I wouldn’t be completely alone. I have my family. My son. My friends who loves me. I’m just being selfish wanting a man since I am going through an emotional phase of my life and I want someone to fill that up. I know I’m not ready for that yet so I wouldn’t even try to force myself and hook up with anyone until I know that I am emotionally ready.

I guess, I’d have to prove myself to myself before getting into anything too serious again.

Luh, I am such a child.


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