I recently had a talk with my brother. The topic: MY MOTHERING skills-or the lack thereof.

Just to let anyone know, I have a beautiful son, who just turned four today. You must be wondering why I am at work acting like its a regular day (cause it is) instead of celebrating with my baby boy. We actually celebrated last weekend by going to the pool with my brothers and generally having a good time (and getting me broke in the process). Today we had  a modest lunch and I bought him a toy from a local fast food chain. He was all smiles the whole day. Kids and their simple joys ❤

Apologies. I got a little side-tracked. I am here to talk about how I am as a Mother.

I became a Mom very young. I was 21 when I was blessed with my youngling. I love him like any mother should and I have never thought of parting with him, ever.

Ever since he was born, I have always been the one to provide for him. Sure, we had help from our parents when my ex and I were together and we were making ends meet. But when that wasn’t enough, I started looking for a job to provide for them. The setup we had was I work and bring in the dough while my ex stayed home and cared for our youngling.

The setup worked…sort of. I kept my end of the bargain but my ex wasn’t as attentive as I want him to be with our son and well, lets say our son often had days where he didn’t eat three square meals a day nor bathed. It was half my fault, I was too tired from work to actually know these things and instead focused on bringing in money.

My ex and I often fought about this. I often tell him how neglectful he was but he would turn around and tell me that I should be the one worrying about this since I was the mother. My ex never worked a day in his life and even though what he said shouldn’t really weigh into anything since we agreed on the setup we actually had. I was bruised each time he pointed a finger at me.

I have known from the beginning that I am not Mother material. I just don’t have it in me to stay home and take care of the kids. I know it sounds horrible but I wasn’t really good with home making. I’ve always had dreams beyond the walls of my home and I just cant stay put in one spot. I wanted to have a career like a regular modern woman.

Now, you must be wondering why I had a kid in the first place when my priorities are a little skewed.  Simple, I wanted a son. I wanted to have my own flesh and blood. I wanted a family.

Is that wrong?

Maybe some people think it is because having your very own human requires so much more than just wanting. I should be more than just being mother by title. I should be more and more and more. But I am so confused about what to do. I’ve raised my son alone since the beginning, I have been going through trial and errors (and errors and errors).

I am trying though. It’s not like I actually neglect my son. I don’t. I make sure that I give him all the attention he wants when we’re together. I make sure to play and go out with him as much as possible. For some reason, I know that it’s just not enough. My brother, who is now baby sitting my son when I am at work tells me the same thing.

When my ex and I broke up last August I changed a bit. I worked longer hours. I cooked less (not that I cooked so often since my skills are very limited) I was just a lot more busy compared to when my ex was around. Maybe it was how I coped. I don’t know, I am still as confused even if its closing to a year since it happened. I guess, pretending to be apathetic with the whole thing is killing my common sense as a human being.

Why am I such a failure? Sigh.

So going back to my son. He has a few qualities that I could have avoided or at least improve or change (maybe) in the future:

Picky eating – maybe if I cooked more and prepared more options for him he would have loved eating all sorts of food.

Stuck on YouTube – this has been him since he was much younger, my ex used to give him my phone when ever he wanted to distract my son. Now my son cant live without watching any of his videos.

Bad tempered – I don’t know if this is something I could have fixed. Maybe it’s really his temperament. His dad was pretty temperamental compared to me and I think maybe he just got that from him.

Anti-social – like his father, my son is a little anti-social. Maybe this is normal for young kids, especially, since he doesn’t interact with any other people except for me and my brothers. He can be such a handful but in front of people he doesn’t know he appears to be a little snooty and shy.

It’s been tough though. Since I feel like I’m blindly walking into something that would end up killing everybody off. I seriously know nothing.

I’ve been reading up more and more. My youngling would soon be part of society and it would be my fault if he ever grew up to be an ass. Which is the opposite of what I want him to be. Sigh, I cant guarantee that I can be perfect example since I basically don’t know how to act like a normal functioning human being. Sometimes, I fail at being a human people! Literally.

All I can guarantee is that I would shower my son with all the love a parent can ever give. I’d show him how strong a person can be as long as they tried enough. I’d tell him stories and show him how to treat others with respect and dignity. I would be loyal and would never abandon my responsibility with him…ever!

Step by Step. I think, that’s what I should do. Step by Step.

 

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