Eight (Ain’t) nothing like a chicken weng.

After being in the singles league for the last year, my eyes opened to a sudden realization.

BEING. SINGLE. IS. NOT. FOR. EVERYBODY.

I had to make sure I highlight it since it’s something a lot of people don’t understand. As a woman who hasn’t been single for long before, I can definitely admit that it’s a phase of my life I never thought I’d hit. I was not ready for it.

I’m not saying that I’m a nice catch but for reasons unknown, I have never been single longer than a week or two since I started getting into the dating scene when I was thirteen. Yes, I started in the game waaay early. I was always with someone after I left the last.

Yes, I said left, not break up. I have never officially broken up with all the guys I’ve been with. I just sorta left and moved on. I didn’t really thought of the consequences or even took into consideration what the guy felt when I just up and disappeared on him. Recently, I had a guy do that to me. I’m still sore from him. Like fo real.

Its karma and I can’t even do anything about it.

I do deserve it, I admit it. I was never a good girl a lot of people thought of me. Of course, that’s another story for another day.

I broke up with my longtime boyfriend last year late august. Long story short he was an ass. I’d tell you more about him, he deserves his own posts at least.

When we broke up I didn’t really feel that we were actually split. We had a son together and we met from time to time due to him. It’s complicated.

Dirty little secret time: I started getting chummy with a coworker (who works overseas, fyi) after I broke up with my boyfriend. This coworker is someone I just met through the job I do, we started getting friendly when he thought me how to do some neat stuff at work. We started talking out of work and let’s say it escalated to the point that he started talking about plans to move to where I was so we’d be together.

That didn’t work out though. By January he stopped communicating with me all friendly like and went back to being business-y. He was the one who left me in the dirt wondering what I ever did to actually get the cold treatment. I told you its karma. I’d tell you more once I’m all settled in.

I couldn’t really consider that as a serious relationship, I mean, from the looks of it he kinda just used me to get work delegated to me so he can do some other stuff at work. He thought that buttering me up would increase the chances of me saying, yes. He didn’t know that I was pathetic when he met me so I understand if he thought that I need a little wooing to accept work, when in reality, I would have taken work from him in a heartbeat just cause I loved my job.

That’s the hard part of being single. Trial and error. I never truly understood how the single life worked until I got a taste of it. Some people claimed singlehood as empowering and suffice, while some are so desperate to get out of it resorting to cheap tactics like boob shots and dick pics.

I started hanging out with some of my coworkers who are single since I started being in the club. My two (make that three, never forget about Grace) besties are all in a very happy, contented, relationship. Like I was until I woke up from the nightmare.

The single ladies I hanged out with are different variations of singles. Maybe cause its due to the fact that they have been single a lot longer than I am and they have different unique personalities.

A year and a few months single – She’s outgoing, loud, loves travel, funny, a little crazy, and boyish. I don’t know why she’s single but I noticed that she’s the kind of woman who doesn’t settle for anything less than what she wants.

Three years – She’s a sociable, one of the boys, semi-traveler, a little crazy, elitist, and a tad bit desperate. I kinda know why she’s single. I’ve been with her since she was single. Since she mentioned that she just broke up with her guy when we started working together. She has a few guys around her but no one seem to stick. She’s a little high maintenance and, well, hmmm, a tad too desperate at the same time.

Seven years – and I hope I don’t reach this long. She’s a little bit of a basket case, naïve, innocent for a thirty year old, and a little sweet. She’s a little too naïve and air-headed. I’ve told her this many times-not joking-and she brushes me off like I’m making a funny. Girl, I am not making a funny.

It’s always hard putting yourself back in the game, especially, if your past relationships left you black and blue. I’ve been having a hard time trusting someone again and if I did, I’m afraid that I might be giving too much away and I don’t have any mystery left in me. I don’t think I’m ready but I can’t help feel lonely from time to time.

I should sound like an expert since I did date around but I am not. I am more of a lost puppy in this doggy-dog world, lol!

I don’t feel elated. I don’t feel empowered. I don’t feel any of those stupid posts you see on the internet on how people can just get over a dumb relationship. I just don’t. If I would be completely honest, if no one opened my eyes to the abuse that I have been into, I would have just sucked it up. I could have fooled myself into being happy rather than being alone on days I couldn’t.

But being in that relationship was a lot worse compared to being alone. I realized that too. There were moments that it was bearable but I have to make sure that I would come out okay at the end of it. It was always a struggle to know if I would be fine or not. Being alone, well, it’s more of mental struggle. I just have to keep telling myself that I am a woman who deserves more than I think I do. I tend to put myself down so much that I just seem to settle. I should really stop that though. No man is worth the trouble if they don’t make an effort. I’m trying to stick to that mind set as I go through this phase of my life.

Sides, I wouldn’t be completely alone. I have my family. My son. My friends who loves me. I’m just being selfish wanting a man since I am going through an emotional phase of my life and I want someone to fill that up. I know I’m not ready for that yet so I wouldn’t even try to force myself and hook up with anyone until I know that I am emotionally ready.

I guess, I’d have to prove myself to myself before getting into anything too serious again.

Luh, I am such a child.

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Lucky number 7

I’ve never considered myself lucky. Fortunate, maybe but never lucky.

Things just happen to fall too perfectly for me to think that it’s anything less than a divine power working in the background. Sure I have had my taste of misfortune but there would always be a reason behind it and not because luck was part of the equation.

I have avoided accidents, failure, and even death! I couldn’t possibly account all that to just being lucky. For me it felt like it was orchestrated that way for me to keep looking forward.

Which it did.

As a kid, I thought too differently.

I have always thought that I was rather lucky. Who wouldn’t? I moved into this new school during grade school and my status (as a kid) sky rocketed in just a few months. The previous school I had was a hell hole and I was so happy to move to a new school. I can’t even believe I was able to last a year on my first school.

It all changed though when I started to do these mini rituals for luck hoping that my life would go 180 and it sure did when I moved to the new school.

A few things that I considered “I was lucky to be/have” were:

  • I was part of the honor roll without me studying as much as a regular student.
  • I was popular and people thought I was cute without even trying.
  • People knew me as both brainy and talented due to my singing ability.
  • I was always on top when it came to competitions.
  • Everybody wanted to be on my friends list (as a kid we used to make them)

I never thought that all those qualities was due to my own prowess as a human being. Nah that thought never crossed my mind! I did so many mini rituals hoping, praying, wishing to be well-liked that I thought that I was just plain lucky to be so fortunate.

I wasn’t. When I reached high school I became a little bit more cynical and less whimsical. Nobody noticed though since I didn’t really changed much but on the inside my thoughts started to change and morphed into so much more.

I started to realize that fairies weren’t real, Santa was a fraud, and luck was simply something we couldn’t rely on as I came close to adulthood.

Although, I couldn’t really remove the whole thing from the equation. There are just so many unexplained fortune that has happened to me that sometimes I do wonder if luck really was real.

I wouldn’t know exactly. I guess, I’d have to do more research to find out.

 

Sixth Sense

I recently had a talk with my brother. The topic: MY MOTHERING skills-or the lack thereof.

Just to let anyone know, I have a beautiful son, who just turned four today. You must be wondering why I am at work acting like its a regular day (cause it is) instead of celebrating with my baby boy. We actually celebrated last weekend by going to the pool with my brothers and generally having a good time (and getting me broke in the process). Today we had  a modest lunch and I bought him a toy from a local fast food chain. He was all smiles the whole day. Kids and their simple joys ❤

Apologies. I got a little side-tracked. I am here to talk about how I am as a Mother.

I became a Mom very young. I was 21 when I was blessed with my youngling. I love him like any mother should and I have never thought of parting with him, ever.

Ever since he was born, I have always been the one to provide for him. Sure, we had help from our parents when my ex and I were together and we were making ends meet. But when that wasn’t enough, I started looking for a job to provide for them. The setup we had was I work and bring in the dough while my ex stayed home and cared for our youngling.

The setup worked…sort of. I kept my end of the bargain but my ex wasn’t as attentive as I want him to be with our son and well, lets say our son often had days where he didn’t eat three square meals a day nor bathed. It was half my fault, I was too tired from work to actually know these things and instead focused on bringing in money.

My ex and I often fought about this. I often tell him how neglectful he was but he would turn around and tell me that I should be the one worrying about this since I was the mother. My ex never worked a day in his life and even though what he said shouldn’t really weigh into anything since we agreed on the setup we actually had. I was bruised each time he pointed a finger at me.

I have known from the beginning that I am not Mother material. I just don’t have it in me to stay home and take care of the kids. I know it sounds horrible but I wasn’t really good with home making. I’ve always had dreams beyond the walls of my home and I just cant stay put in one spot. I wanted to have a career like a regular modern woman.

Now, you must be wondering why I had a kid in the first place when my priorities are a little skewed.  Simple, I wanted a son. I wanted to have my own flesh and blood. I wanted a family.

Is that wrong?

Maybe some people think it is because having your very own human requires so much more than just wanting. I should be more than just being mother by title. I should be more and more and more. But I am so confused about what to do. I’ve raised my son alone since the beginning, I have been going through trial and errors (and errors and errors).

I am trying though. It’s not like I actually neglect my son. I don’t. I make sure that I give him all the attention he wants when we’re together. I make sure to play and go out with him as much as possible. For some reason, I know that it’s just not enough. My brother, who is now baby sitting my son when I am at work tells me the same thing.

When my ex and I broke up last August I changed a bit. I worked longer hours. I cooked less (not that I cooked so often since my skills are very limited) I was just a lot more busy compared to when my ex was around. Maybe it was how I coped. I don’t know, I am still as confused even if its closing to a year since it happened. I guess, pretending to be apathetic with the whole thing is killing my common sense as a human being.

Why am I such a failure? Sigh.

So going back to my son. He has a few qualities that I could have avoided or at least improve or change (maybe) in the future:

Picky eating – maybe if I cooked more and prepared more options for him he would have loved eating all sorts of food.

Stuck on YouTube – this has been him since he was much younger, my ex used to give him my phone when ever he wanted to distract my son. Now my son cant live without watching any of his videos.

Bad tempered – I don’t know if this is something I could have fixed. Maybe it’s really his temperament. His dad was pretty temperamental compared to me and I think maybe he just got that from him.

Anti-social – like his father, my son is a little anti-social. Maybe this is normal for young kids, especially, since he doesn’t interact with any other people except for me and my brothers. He can be such a handful but in front of people he doesn’t know he appears to be a little snooty and shy.

It’s been tough though. Since I feel like I’m blindly walking into something that would end up killing everybody off. I seriously know nothing.

I’ve been reading up more and more. My youngling would soon be part of society and it would be my fault if he ever grew up to be an ass. Which is the opposite of what I want him to be. Sigh, I cant guarantee that I can be perfect example since I basically don’t know how to act like a normal functioning human being. Sometimes, I fail at being a human people! Literally.

All I can guarantee is that I would shower my son with all the love a parent can ever give. I’d show him how strong a person can be as long as they tried enough. I’d tell him stories and show him how to treat others with respect and dignity. I would be loyal and would never abandon my responsibility with him…ever!

Step by Step. I think, that’s what I should do. Step by Step.

 

5th wheel

When I became single last August of 2016, I realized how many couple stuff I have been missing out.

I don’t know why I just noticed how many couple stuff I’ve been missing out after ending my 7 year relationship but I did. I mean, you’d think we’ve done it all after ending it, right? Sad to say, we didn’t. It wasn’t as if the relationship was a drag the whole time but by the end of it, when I was asking (practically begging) for us to do things together, he was just not there.

He was unsupportive, unresponsive, and all the other “UN”s out there you can possibly think of. It wasn’t fun anymore. It was strenuous and the only reason I kept everything together was cause I was such a martyr for so long thinking we would work.

We didn’t.

I started realizing the stuff I’ve been missing out were common within people in relationships and it made me question if I was trapped in an unhealthy relationship (which I was!)

Both of my best friends have boyfriends. Sometimes, I start to think that they feel a little bad for me or something, since they tend to ask me to come along when they plan to double date. And yes, I come along because they can be so persistent it’s very hard to say no. and double yes, the activities they do are often too fun to say no to.

Maybe I’m just being way to paranoid and I haven’t really noticed it happening before since I had a boyfriend too. Maybe we also had this phase too when my ex and I started dating. I can’t remember. The relationship had ups and downs (and downs and downs and downs) but despite that I grew wiser and [hopefully] better.

My friends haven’t been in a relationship as long as I have but they are older than me. They’ve made me realized how fun a relationship can be without too much [physical] intimacy. We went out to eat, watched movies, went on trips, goofed around talking, went to clubs, partied, and more. I must have done a few of these but not as often. Not as memorable.

I just feel a little bad that I get to do these things by being the 5th wheel. In all honesty, I haven’t even experienced being single since I was thirteen. So its a little overwhelming for me not to come home to somebody or talk to somebody or have anyone I can call mine in a way. It’s not all bad but it’s a little lonely even if I did have so many friends surrounding me. I did read somewhere that if I crave for a relationship so much it means that I definitely don’t need it right now.

I guess I have to enjoy what I got for now and just wing it. Besides, I don’t think I’ll ever have this experience forever. riiiiight?

Look forth! Tharrr she blooowwsss!

I hate getting sick. I haven’t met anyone yet who actually liked getting sick. I always thought that I was immune to so many common diseases but alas, each year, at least once, I would catch a cold. For no apparent reason.

Well maybe there was a reason. Being unhealthy, haven’t been drinking any Vitamin C induced foods/drinks, weather changes, there’s a lot to factor in, now that I’m sitting down thinking about it.

And I know I am no wonder woman but sometimes I would think that I was untouchable by the plagues of the common cold. All my friends/coworkers would all get them lets say in a span of a week one day and I’ll be there unscathed. Laughing egotistically by myself, judging everyone else’s immune system.

But nooooooo. My immune system decided that it wanted to be different and it would immediately weaken its defenses when no one else has it. Apparently, today was my turn to catch that dreaded thing when everyone have had perfect health for the last month.

I can see everybody pitying me from where I am seated. I am here coughing and sneezing up a storm that I didn’t have yesterday! Oh how the proud has fallen.

I guess part of this is my fault. I have been feeling terrible since last week. My body was telling me to mellow down the last few days but then, the idiot in me, decided not to listen and just go along my merry-stupid way.

I hate getting sick. Like really. I just wished this is just one of those one day head colds kind of deal cause I can not definitely deal with this if it decided to prolong its unwelcome stay.

 

Oh no, those TRES are falling!

The first time I ever heard that joke, I cracked up. It wasn’t even that funny honestly but to me it was golden! I have a very shallow sense of humor, like really, there was a tumblr post I saw a while back that always cracks me up whenever I hear about it.

Here’s how it goes:

My sense of humor is so warped

            I mean

            I don’t laugh at actual jokes

            I laugh at things like:

            I WILL BUY AMERICA FOR 2 GOAT

            NO NO THAT IS TOO MUCH GOAT

Cue uncontrollable laughter…from me. I find the most random things funny and humorous when in reality, I really shouldn’t be laughing about it. I find pain sometimes humorous too, maybe I am a sadist. I find a tinge of pleasure in unpleasant situations. I remember giggling while having one of my molars removed once. The dentist was confused. I also remember not crying a lot during a few loved ones funeral. I was more in a stated of acceptance rather than grievance.

Is it weird for me to see humor in mostly everything? I mean, if it’s healthy, there should be any harm to it, right? But how do you measure that? I mean, I already have a bad habit of being too optimistic and seeing people in a better light than normal people. I rarely bad mouth people and I only do it if they do something tremendously awful to me.

So having a weird sense of humor should be something expected for someone like me, right?

Like I said, I’ve always been a little different. People see me weird and I already accepted that I was.

Quick transition—today my colleagues are talking about the office downstairs. One of our colleagues recently quit and moved to work at the office below us and she’s been there less than a week and everybody had been planning on following her footsteps. I have heard nothing but good things about that place and honestly, I don’t want to take my chances by quitting. I mean, I am perfectly fine and able where I am right now. I like my current job. It makes me do things I like doing, I get to talk and interact with people and I’ve met so much people working here that I can’t imagine myself being anywhere else.

I have to think of myself in a higher position financially though. I have to at least do something more that I could get more money since my responsibilities would change soon. I am trying to look at it optimistically. Less people in the workplace: means more promotions. Crossing my fingers that it does happen.

It looks a little bleak since our workspace is pretty small and not a lot of people get promoted but I am being optimistic even if I’ve been stuck doing the same thing for three years.

Back to regular topic—as I was saying about my sense of humor, it’s a little different from most. A sample of a real life exchange as follow:

At a Jamba juice place.

Me: Here’s your order A. You asked for zinc and an antioxidant boost, right?

A: Yeah.

Started drinking the juice. Suddenly A grips her chair and started shaking.

A: OMG! I can feel the antioxidant kicking in.

As I typed that, I can feel my chest heave up and down controlling the laughter. The first time it happened, I laughed the whole afternoon. Just remembering it made me chuckle uncontrollably and I can seriously admit that it wasn’t even that funny. Some people think I’m way too happy go lucky but in all honesty, I think I just have a few loose screws.

Part Deux! M is for…

M is for Mondays… Men… and Many.

Meaning that in a lifetime there would be many Mondays and there would also be a many men. What do both have in common?

Good question!

I think both have the similarities of being limitless.

I mean think about it, you can die tomorrow and Mondays would still be a thing 300 years from now, same goes with men… if one leaves, one would come along right after. Right? RIGHT?!

It’s not like there would come a day that Mondays would just cease to exist, kinda like it’s impossible for a whole population of men to just get wiped out and let their female counterparts take over. Those things only happen in anime, or some feminazi’s imagination. LOL!

Moving on, I guess that there would always be people who would have such a distaste for Mondays. Some women (sometimes men too) have a distaste for men. They avoid it, whine about it, be grumpy when it comes along, or just plain hate it.

Maybe one Monday came along and it was just so awful that it ruined your whole week. That being said, you’ve been traumatized that all Mondays, (if you’re not careful enough when it comes along) would be the same way.

Now change Monday’s to men in the last paragraph and you’ll notice that it works.

I can think of so many reasons why this happens, I mean seriously, it’s not rocket science when people start hating on something. Some hate can be justified, some not. I always think that everything is a matter of perception.

And I have gone through a few of them to perceive that Mondays and men can be a little too tad similar.

More on this soon.

Post the First! What the F*** am I doing here?

Honestly, I don’t know.

The other day, a work friend and I were talking about a new word I just learned: APATHETIC.

I just found the word so amusingly appropriate for me that it stuck to me the whole day. I was currently going through a turmoil of feelings about an old flame/colleague who recently got promoted and I was just being bitter/petty about seeing his name and remembering him in total.

I kept telling people that I was Pathetically Apathetic, since it just sounded so chic. Nobody questioned my odd behavior since I have always been a little weird, so moi randomly spouting words out of context was a norm in our office. Plus no one knew that I was a little peeved about this guy since we were both hush hush (more to this on later posts).

So back to me being pathetically apathetic, I just loved how it sounded and how perfectly it suited me. I then started to search for it (yes, during work hours) on good’ol Bing! (Company preferred browser we should use lol) and suddenly this random a** post popped up about a widower and his dating escapades.

The minute I read his blog, my mind started whirling. It was a fun read, I won’t say that I’m as interesting as him but then I started thinking that he had left this THIS out in the open for anyone to see. The idea that some random a** person would read what I wrote about my menial life and relate to it, maybe giggle about it a little bit was so thrilling! I wanted to do it too.

I started brainstorming what I want to talk about. Like I said, I don’t really have any interesting interest. I also don’t travel, nor, give a f*** about trends or news or give any meaningful knowledge about anything. I can tell you about my mundane-not-so-mundane life? Or share stories about my past that I’ve told a few colleagues that seemed to sell?

I have so many things I wanted to share and I just have to make sure I can find the right words to tell them as eloquently as possible. I also thought of committing on writing this blog every weekday (yes, while I’m at work) since I think I’d be more productive. I’d think of a theme on each day of the week so I can tell different stories and make it more interesting. I am not sure if reading a 24 (almost 25) year old blog about her mundane life is as exciting to you as it is for me but I am ecstatic. I have always wanted to write and I was just wondering what I could write about. I just suddenly came to the realization that I can write about mother f****** anything!

The world is my oyster!

I can write about being a f****** goldfish who eloped with an unworthy salmon and no one would dare to correct me! Because it’s my story and not anyone else’s.

Nonetheless, I would try to account for all my stories to be as honest and true. I do have the internet’s anonymity in my hands and I have the power to hide all (or few) of the people I’d talk about in different names/gender/entity/etc.

Writing has always been my passion too. I always wanted to be good at it. As far as I’ve read about people writing, their common advice was: KEEP WRITING!

And I believe that keeping this blog and updating it daily would improve my writing prowess. The only downside is I started this blog on a Friday. Which means I would have to update on Monday, upside, it would allow me to think about what I can write about on the next few weeks. Probably some adult stuff, experiences and other general ugh stuff that I go through the daily.

Well, I’d have to cut these post short so it doesn’t drag on. LOL

I also can’t believe I am saying this (actually I could) but I cannot wait for Monday.